… and those tears weren’t from sheer happiness or bliss, even though

• I’ve been trying to get back into the gym mode and have been doing pretty good! I am watching the food intake, work out hard and really feel good about it. I am documenting the progress on youtube.com haha! I mean, it’s helping me to stay on top of it.

• Anyway, this week I had some real exciting things happening to me, I can’t really talk a lot about it [yet] but am stoked!

• I am still home alone and loving it! Been having fun at  tRAMPcamp, been skating and just being positive.

Life’s been fun!

so what went wrong?

Well, still being so stoked on my newly re-discovered love for the gym I decided to go in early, go do cardio for about 30 minutes, do some weights and then go to KICKBOXING 4 BEGINNERS.

Notice the word “beginners” please.

So this kickboxing class is not one of those aerobics classes where you punch in the air and do some dance moves. This one is in a boxing gym setting: so boxing ring, boxing balls, and that little bell to tell you when the round finishes/ starts etc. The class consisted of 4 women and 3 guys and the coach.

I have been on boxing in South Beach at the South Florida Boxing Gym on Washington. I joined that gym right after I got beaten up badly and had TWO black eyes [from just one punch!] and had broken my tooth. I remember the day: the Monday after Easter Sunday. I decided that I needed to get my anger and frustration out and feel more empowered by being able to punch something. So I had a coach and all we did was me jabbin’ and punching while he was holding the focus pads and moving around. We would do that for the whole time, ’till I couldn’t go anymore. I was at that gym for about 10 sessions one on one in the ring with my coach.

So I sucked at the kickboxing class. I know, nothing new. I might be a bit challenged in the Athletic Department hahaha. Everything takes a long time for me to ‘get’. I am used to it and calculate it in, while always working hard  and keep on HAVING FUN in the process.

The coach’s approach was:

“you are pretty but that doesn’t matter. You are here to kickbox”

Nothing wrong with that. Thanks for the compliment! I am gonna give it my all! See me jump rope for 3 solid minutes on soft surface, doing jumping jacks, push ups… no problem!

But huh? What are you guys doing now?? I have never done that… let me try that!

Well, I did it wrong… so the coach is getting a bit smart/impatient and assumes I should get it right the first time. Ah well….

Then we did that thing that one person sits on the floor, legs + back straight, leaning back and has to catch that 6KG ball on one side and right away throw it back to the other person standing up. As usual. I sucked. I did it wrong. I shouldn’t  ‘CATCH’ the ball, I should have just grabbed it out of the air and thrown it back in one movement. I did not get it so I asked him to show me. Then he tells me that  “we [the 3 other women + me] would easily lose another 2 pounds if we would just stop fiddling around.”

What the fu*k ?

The guy has my full attention I am trying! Anyway, we did that ball thing 120 times [60 on each side] before changing positions.

Moving on to the jabbing and punching. Well, there wasn’t a lot he could say on that part, except to keep the left side of my face covered/ protected while throwing some right hooks.

OK… I get excited sometimes and forget to get block my face completely. I am trying hard and getting a very frustrated with the way he corrects me. Or actually the fact that he just tells me I do it wrong, but doesn’t show me how to get it right and then has the oddessity to expect me to get it right and if not… make me feel highly incompetent.

So yeah… his comment was:

“YOU WANNA KNOW WHY YOU ALWAYS GET BEAT UP BY YOUR BOYFRIENDS*? HUH? BECAUSE YOU DON’T COVER YOUR FACE”

WOW! I CAN’T BELIEVE HE ACTUALLY JUST SAID THAT!

The fact that I was getting frustrated [very frustrated] with his approach to teaching me a new skill, him making me feel worthless for ‘not getting it right’ and to top it off, telling me WHY MY BOYFRIEND* WOULD BEAT ME UP a couple of times. Like it was justified because I wasn’t blocking my face all the time. Little did he know about my ex and things just hit home way too close.

This and the built up frustration made me wanted to cry right there on the spot, but I held it in. I was not going to let this happen. So I couldn’t talk loud because I would start to cry. So I tried so hard to speak up and say ‘2-1-1-1-STEP KICK 1-1-2-2-STEP-KICK’ but it was merely a whisper.

I needed a sip of water. So in between he yells at me ‘no water’ because that would make me cramp up. I know my body and I needed a SIP. My mouth was dry, I was upset and I just wanted to go. Leave and cry.

I didn’t. I stayed the full 1hr and 50 minutes. Thanked him and left, jumped on a cardio machine and listened to Optimus Rhyme. Trying to calm down. After ten minutes I went over to the desk, booked the tanning bed and broke down as soon as I closed the door. I cried. and cried… and then some… until my heart hurt.

I went home and cried some more. It was the first time in I think 8 months I cried and the first time I felt such pain since I left my ex husband.

I know I am strong. I own my own business, I have a positive attitude, I snowboard, attempt to downhill bike, skate, surf and am happy with my life. I am a happy person, I don’t hate my ex husband, I thought I made so much progress over the past years to become the person I knew I have always been. To be true to myself. Why could this stranger just break me like that?

Obviously I still have some issues to work on…

I am proud of not crying, to finish that class and not having walked out using the trainer as a justification for doing so. He obviously had no clue what I really felt.

He invited everyone to this bar in Ditmars on Saturday night to watch the fight. I will be there and I decided to talk with him when I see him there. Not to confront him, but to speak up for myself and possibly all the other women who suffer [ed] domestic abuse that have been | are in | will be in his kickboxing class. I don’t expect him to handle me with velvet gloves, I would love to learn to kick box, but he’s using the wrong approach to get me [and with me possibly other women as well] stoked on the sports. I expect mutual respect and him to pass on his passion and expertise for kickboxing. Not to be made feel imcompentent and stupid for not ‘getting it right’, have my spirit broken and told nonsense of justifying why I will get beaten up by my ‘boyfriend*’.

I feel good about being calm about it. I rationalized the situation instead of turning it into an emotional mess.

PS:

* I have no boyfriend and I will never ever give someone that kind of power over me again!